Thursday, December 31, 2015

I Gave Up This Year

I don’t remember the exact date, but it was an early August morning. The day was shaping up to be hot again, which isn’t unusual for August, but frustrating for me nonetheless. I’d been working tirelessly on This Book and no matter what I did or how hard I worked it wasn’t where I wanted it to be. It wasn’t the same on paper as it was in my head. I’d been working so hard that my shoulders were riddled with knots from sitting at the laptop so much, I couldn’t lift my right arm above my head. I remember pushing myself away from my desk, closing my laptop, and saying out loud, “I’m done.” I remember taking a muscle relaxer and going to back to bed, and while physically I may have left the bed at some point that day, mentally I didn’t. Mentally I’m still buried deep under the covers suffocating myself with self-doubt and fear and too many other emotions to possibly resurface.

That was five months ago, and I don’t remember a whole lot since that day.

When I say I gave up, I don’t mean just on writing. That was the initial catalyst, yes, but I gave up on everything. I let myself mentally check out. I canceled so many plans with friends that eventually they gave up on me (I assume). I told myself it was easier that way. I stopped going on most social media websites because I couldn’t take being happy and supportive for people while also being so jealous it physically hurt. The only reason I left the house, usually, was to walk the dog. I shudder to think what would happen if I didn’t have him.  

I go on a writing retreat with a group of lovely, amazing women twice a year. Last January Kayla brought mason jars and we filled them with encouraging notes for each other with the goal to be to continue to fill them and open them on New Year’s Eve. I put all of two notes in mine. But the notes I got from others were still there, unopened, so I opened the jar this afternoon. I smiled at each one, feeling a bit better about things and about myself. There’s one note in the very bottom of the jar that I fish out. 



It simply reads, “Your work is awesome, never give up.”

I have no idea who wrote this particular note or why they chose to write that specifically. For all I know they wrote the same thing for everyone as kind of a “have a great summer!” that you write in school yearbooks at the end of the year when you don’t know what else to write. In the end it doesn’t really matter, because it was what I needed today. It’s what I’ve needed for months but didn’t know it.

I have no idea what 2016 will hold, but I’m somewhat awake again, which is enough for now.

2 comments:

  1. Besides being utterly gorgeous, miss, I myself wouldn't give-up (just had to throw that first statement in because you and Jesus will never give up... till you're in Seventh-Heaven). Besides, I couldn't give-up. I had my lifetime to accomplish. Lemme bring you on our journey...

    Dunno if you RITE, yet, lemme fill-you-up withe efficacious epiphany, the avant-gardeness and necessary wisdom to achieve Seventh-Heaven, dear, if ya desire Seventh-Heaven...

    If 'freedom lies in being bold' (Robert Frost), doesn't pushing-the-envelope also result in the Elysian Fields of Utopia? If I'm the sower, we plant the Seed; if I'm an artist, we RITE the symphonies heard Upstairs ☆IF☆ we accept His lead withe orchestra...

    Wanna find-out the fax, Jak, in a wurld fulla the 'power of cowards'? Wanna wiseabove to help a 'Plethora Of Wurdz' [POW!] which are look'n for a new home in thy novelty?? Yay!

    Q: But [gulp] can anyone tell me the difference between K2/IQ? A: Nthn. In Heaven, we gitt'm both for eternity HA! Need a few more thots, ideers, wild wurdz (whoa, Nelly! easy, girl!) or ironclad iconoclasms?

    VERBUM SAT SAPIENTI (Latin: words to [the] wise): As an ex-writer of the sassy, savvy, schizophenia we all go thro in this lifelong demise, I just wanna help U.S. git past the ping-pong-politixx, the whorizontal more!ass! we're in and wiseabove to 'in fin sine fin' (Latin: in [the] End without End -Saint Augustine).

    "This finite existence is only a test, son," God Almighty told me in my coma. "Far beyond thy earthly tempest is where you'll find tangible, corpulent eloquence". Lemme tella youse without d'New Joisey accent...

    I actually saw Seventh-Heaven when we died: you couldn't GET!! any moe curly, party-hardy-endorphins, low-hanging-fruit of the Celestial Paradise, extravagantly-surplus-lush Upstairs (awww! baby kitties, too!!) when my o-so-beautifull, brilliant, bombastic girly passed-away due to those wry, sardonic satires...

    "Those who are wise will shine as brightly as the expanse of the Heavens, and those who have instructed many in uprightousness as bright as stars for all eternity" -Daniel 12:3, NJB

    Here's also what the prolific, exquisite GODy sed: 'the more you shall honor Me, the more I shall bless you' -the Infant Jesus of Prague.

    Go gitt'm, girly. You're incredible. You're indelible. Cya Upstairs. I won't be joining'm in the nasty Abyss where Isis prowls
    thesuperseedoftime.blogspot.com
    infowars.com
    JohnLeary.com
    -YOUTHwitheTRUTH
    -------------------------------
    PS Need summore unique, uncivilized, useless names?? Lemme gonna gitcha started, brudda:

    Oak Woods, Franky Sparks, Athena Noble, Autumn Rose, Faith Bishop, Dolly Martin, Willow Rhodes, Cocoa Major, Roman Stone, Bullwark Burnhart, Magnus Wilde, Kardiak Arrest, Will Wright, Goldy Silvers, Penelope Summers, Sophie Sharp, Violet Snow, Lizzy Roach, BoxxaRoxx, Aunty Dotey, Romero Stark, Zacharia Neptoon, Mercurio Morrissey, Fritz & Felix Franz, Victor Payne, Isabella Silverstein, Mercedes Kennedy, Redd Rust, Phoenix Martini, Ivy Squire, Sauer Wolfe, Yankee Cooky, blessed b9... (or mixNmatch)

    God blessa youse
    (trustNjesus)
    -Fr. Sarducci, ol SNL
    ☆refuse2Bindifferent☆

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  2. What an inspiring story. We should never really give up on things.

    Hyacinth
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