Friday, December 3, 2010

Holiday Blues

Like I said in a previous post a few weeks ago, I love this time of year. Thanksgiving is like one big kick-off to the Christmas season for me. I love spending time with my family, cooking (well... eating mainly), decorating, etc. However, every year I notice the holidays depress me, so I'm not really sure why I look forward to it every year.

I've been in a big grump-slump since coming back to Austin from Mississippi this week. It's always an adjustment after coming back from such a long trip, Losing Daisy while we were gone didn't make things any easier and has made it harder to adjust. I don't deal well with change, especially instant change that I have no control over, like death. Our family is forever changed and there's nothing I can do to get things back to the way things were, so to say I'm having a hard time adjusting is the understatement of the year.

It's also difficult coming back to Texas after being at home because I see how much things have changed. The few friends I had back home have all moved on and have families of their own now. Though my family will always be the same and love me unconditionally, they're changing and moving forward with life as well. I don't feel like I really "fit" in either of the places I call home. I spent most of my life trying to figure out where my place in the world was, only to be plucked away from it all when I was getting things figured out when we moved. Starting over here was probably one of the hardest things I've ever been through, and I'm still going through it every day. I'm still adjusting to the busy-city life, and honestly, I don't know that I'll every get used to it completely. Or like it. It breaks my heart when we're in Mississippi and someone asks, "So when are you moving back?" I used to give the standard, "I'm not sure" answer. This trip I actually started telling people, "We aren't." Talk about an eye-opener. I just hope my husband realizes that while there's nothing for him in Mississippi, there's really nothing here for me. I hope he sees how much of a sacrifice I'm making every day to be here with him.

Please bear with me in my blogs over the coming weeks or months. I think I'm just now beginning to understand how much of my life will be changing and this is really one of my only outlets.

I heard Coldplay's new song Christmas Lights yesterday and I'm pretty obsessed with it. It's not your typical "OMG IT'S CHRISTMAS YAY!" song. It talks about Christmas not really feeling like Christmas at all, which is pretty much the boat I'm in at the moment. Give it a listen.

1 comment:

  1. Again, I am so sorry for your most recent loss and all the losses you have suffered through this year. I know we both have somewhat demanding schedules and a lot we plan to do with the time we have, but know I am always willing to drop it all if you'd like to get together. I can do coffee, sushi, movie - or we could even do a double date sometime if you'd like to get the hubby involved! I know what it's like starting out in Austin and being away from family during the holidays - it's not easy, to put it mildly. So never hesitate to call/text/tweet, my friend!